The Befouled Weakly News

Greg's Occasional News & Views

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22 February 2015 – Amusements

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits…. I can splash it on my eyes!” Continue reading

15 February 2015

Good morning to you all and hope you all had a splendid and rewarding Valentine’s Day, if you take any notice of such things. I have to confess to being a little cheesed off with all the media hype and general expectations on such occasions but fortunately my valentine knows she is the girl of my dreams rendering excessive displays of affection and the purchase of chocolates and/or flowers utterly unnecessary (at least, I hope that’s the case!). Continue reading

15 February 2015 – Amusements

In the great days of the British Empire , a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..”

Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.” Continue reading

8 February 2015

Oooh, it’s been cold! Not the bone-numbing cold those of you in the frozen northeast have to endure but still plenty cold enough for us! We had a smattering of snow on Monday night/Tuesday morning and a few more flurries at various points during the week. Never enough to settle to any significant extent nor to cause any transport disruption but the cold and deep frosts have at least ensured that the mud is rock-hard and Molly and I can return from our various perambulations more or less mud-free. Continue reading

8 February 2015 – Amusements

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied the floating survivors of a sunken ship.

“Follow me, son,” the Dad shark said to the Son shark. They swam to the mass of people.

“First,” the Dad shark instructs, “we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our dorsal fin showing.”

“Like this, Dad?” the younger shark asks.

“Well done, Son! Next we swim around them a few more times with all of our dorsal fin showing.”

“OK,” the boy says, really getting into it.

“And only now do we eat everybody.”

And they did, eating all the terrified humans.

When they were both fully sated and gorged, the Son shark asked Dad shark, “Gee, Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all right away? Why did we have to swim around and around them in circles first?”

Well, Son,” the wise Dad shark replied, “because they taste a whole lot better without all that crap inside!” Continue reading

1 February 2015

We were mightily relieved to see that our friends & family in the great frozen Northeast managed, more or less, to escape the fury of Snowmaggedon 2015. We too had our own snowmaggedon this past week – the forecasters were suggesting that the snow on Wednesday night/Thursday morning would bring the end of civilisation as we know it. The forecast was accurate in the sense that we did have some snow; it was inaccurate in the sense that the end of the world was, fortunately, postponed. Continue reading

1 February 2015 – Amusements

A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!” Continue reading

25 January 2015

Whew! What a busy, busy week we’ve had! Freezing temperatures early in the week followed by a light dusting of snow on Tuesday evening. And then more mud. And then more freezing temperatures. And then a bit more mud followed by some more freezing – you get the picture. Continue reading

25 January 2015 – Amusements

This from my friend Julie in Australia . . .

The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I’d better see a doctor!’

“Listen mate, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it.”

“It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid….a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points.”

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ‘pleasured himself’ into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to see what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better….

Thank you for shopping at Tesco Continue reading

18 January 2015

Good morning – hope everyone is waking to a splendidly splendid morning! (Or, for those of you ahead of our time zone, that you’ve had a wonderfully wonderful day). We’ve had a cold week but not quite cold enough – the temperature has hovered just above freezing so the ground is not frozen rock hard and the gallons of precipitation we’ve had have ensured that the ground is wonderfully soggy and muddy. As I’ve said before, if it has to be cold we would much rather have freezing temperatures so that the mud turns solid and we can simply skate over the surface on our daily walks. Regrettably, ‘tis not so and mud is the predominant feature. Continue reading

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