The Befouled Weakly News

Greg's Occasional News & Views

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29 March 2015 – Amusements

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.” Continue reading

22 March 2015

Good morning and welcome to Spring, or at least as far as the calendar is concerned. Actually, we’ve had another pretty good week although the middle part was somewhat misty, foggy, grey and cold. The forecast for the few days ahead is for it to return to colder temperatures – perhaps one last blast of winter before we finally escape its clutches? Continue reading

22 March 2015 – Amusements

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife “What’s up with all the bills?”

To which his wife replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.” Continue reading

15 March 2015

We’ve had a pretty good week – hope yours has been tolerably tolerable. Temperatures are definitely picking up – we’ve been in double figures (Celsius) on most afternoons with the occasional very bright, sunny day. The wind has still been a bit chilly but, on the whole, I can confirm that things are certainly headed in the right direction. Molly and I spotted our first bunch of open daffodils on our morning stroll around the recreation ground on Friday morning.

daffodils Continue reading

15 March 2015 – Amusements

This came from Dad.

Up in Yorkshire

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, ‘That’s about average in Yorkshire … like I said, my boy’s a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.’  Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of ‘WOW!’ One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, ‘Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?’

The proud father answers, ‘Twenty pounds.’ The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. ‘What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!’

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith’s Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

‘Had him circumcised…’ Continue reading

8 March 2015

It’s been, I have to admit, a fairly decent week. The weather has steadily improved through the week with gradually increasing temperatures, less wind and more sunshine. As usual, it’s easy to be fooled into thinking that Spring has arrived but at least everything is trending in the right direction.

March Weather Continue reading

8 March 2015 – Amusements

This came from my friend Julie:

Ralph, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so he bought a pair and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Ethel, age 75, looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Ralph stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

He asked Ethel a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Ethel looked up and said in her best deadpan look, “Ralph, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Ralph yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, ETHEL?”

“Nope. Not a clue, Ralph,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”

Without missing a beat Ethel replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Ralph. Shoulda bought a hat. Continue reading

1 March 2015

SnowdropsGood morning and I hope that Spring is just around the corner wherever you are but especially to those of you in the great frozen northeast. We’ve had some tantalisingly splendid glimpses this week with an especially bright and sunny day on Friday but it’s still decidedly “fresh”. Still, the sunshine has got Molly all excited to judge by her frequent demands to be let out in the garden so that she could recline in a blanket of sunshine on the back lawn. I guess it’s warming to those old bones. Continue reading

1 March 2015 – Amusements

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?”

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get yelled at if I go home anyway!” Continue reading

22 February 2015

Good morning to you all. It’s been an “ok” sort of week, I suppose. We had a couple of positively glorious mornings early in the week – bright blue skies, clear but still decidedly on the “fresh” side – but mostly it’s been cold (relatively speaking), overcast with the occasional smattering of rain. At least the snowdrops are out in force and the daffodils, although just beginning to think about putting their head above the surface, surely won’t be too much longer. Continue reading

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