The Befouled Weakly News

Greg's Occasional News & Views

23 August 2015 – Amusements

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg.”

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

The young man knit his brow. “Well, now,” he said, “my thoughts are a bit more serious this time.”

“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, “Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?” Continue reading

9 August 2015

Congratulations! Many of you have plodded through eighteen years of the Befouled Weakly News. Many life sentences don’t last that long. However, the good news is that this is the last ever edition of the Weakly News you’ll ever be subjected to and even better news – there will be no publication of any description next week. We move house on Friday and, while I’ve no doubt that in itself will be an adventure worthy of inclusion in a publication, we shall have no telephone, television or broadband until some point in the following week. We are, apparently, moving to the back of beyond, a telecommunications back water. Continue reading

9 August 2015 – Amusements

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he’s been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies “I’m sorry to tell you, you’ve got the disease known as Yellow 24.”

“What’s that?” the man asks.

“It means your internal organs have started turning yellow – you’ve got 24 hours to live”.

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says “Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you’ll never be able to.” The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he’s won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn’t such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he’s won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says “I don’t believe it, mate. You’ve won three competitions and a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!”

The man says “Well, no, I’m not. I’ve got Yellow 24.”

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he’s holding and starts clapping. “I don’t believe it; he’s won the raffle as well!” Continue reading

2 August 2015

What a thoroughly disappointing week. It’s been wet, cold and cloudy for much of the week and the topic of conversation just about anywhere you go is what a disappointing summer its been so far. The weather has been so grim that the Guardian has been calling for photographs of holiday makers’ underwhelming holiday photos. Continue reading

2 August 2015 – Amusements

This came from brother Steph:

A guy was in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee when he received a text message.

“Joe, I’m sorry.  I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you.  I know it’s no excuse, but I don’t get it at home.  I can’t live with the guilt any longer and I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology.  It won’t happen again.”

Feeling outraged and betrayed, Joe grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: “Really should use spell check!  That should have said   ‘wifi’.” Continue reading

26 July 2015

As I mentioned last time, we had our favourite granddaughter for an overnighter last weekend and, as always, she was good as gold. We had fun on Saturday afternoon when we wandered down to the recreation ground to find a grand celebration in full swing, completely unbeknownst to us. There was a bouncy castle/slide, face-painting, drinks and nibbles for sale and a live “band” to entertain the multitude. The occasion was the re-opening after a period of closure for refurbishment, of the village club, bar & kitchen. Continue reading

26 July 2015 – Amusements

We’ve had a variation of this one before.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! – against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!” Continue reading

19 July 2015

Good morning on what I hope is the beginning (or end) of a glorious day for each of you. We’ve had a very pleasant week – a visit with good friends, a trip to the theatre and an outing to the Cotswolds – and we’re now (on Saturday as I write this) looking forward to the arrival of our favourite granddaughter for a sleep-over. What’s not to like? Continue reading

19 July 2015 – Amusements

Bufford went on down to Spring City last Saturday night to see what was selling at the Hinker Boys’ Auction. Well, they had a parrot there that a rich lady was selling, and Bufford kindly took a likin’ to the critter. When the auctioneer brought the bird around for bidding, Bufford asked him, “Charlie, kin that parrot really talk?”

Charley Hinker, the head of the auction house, assured Bufford it could talk and furthermore, it was real smart.

Bufford made up his mind to buy it, pulling all $2,000 out of his savings account just in case. Well, the bidding commenced, and Bufford jumped right in and stayed at it all the way.

Several folks were bidding, but when the bids hit about $800, it settled down to a real mean contest between Bufford and someone at the front of the room. Bufford finally won the bid at $1,900 even, though he looked a bit pained as he walked to the auction office to pay for the thing.

When he got ready to pay, Bufford again asked the auctioneer, “Are you sure that parrot kin really talk, Charlie?”

Charlie said, “Bufford, I know that parrot kin talk real well, seein’ how it was the parrot that was the one bidding against you.” Continue reading

12 July 2015

It’s been a good week with some lovely days of bright(ish), clear(ish) sunshine and moderately pleasant bordering on hot temperatures. Don’t things always seem better when the sun shines? Continue reading

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