In the great days of the British Empire , a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..”
Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.” Continue reading
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied the floating survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me, son,” the Dad shark said to the Son shark. They swam to the mass of people.
“First,” the Dad shark instructs, “we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our dorsal fin showing.”
“Like this, Dad?” the younger shark asks.
“Well done, Son! Next we swim around them a few more times with all of our dorsal fin showing.”
“OK,” the boy says, really getting into it.
“And only now do we eat everybody.”
And they did, eating all the terrified humans.
When they were both fully sated and gorged, the Son shark asked Dad shark, “Gee, Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all right away? Why did we have to swim around and around them in circles first?”
Well, Son,” the wise Dad shark replied, “because they taste a whole lot better without all that crap inside!” Continue reading
A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!” Continue reading
This from my friend Julie in Australia . . .
The Tesco Doctor
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I’d better see a doctor!’
“Listen mate, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it.”
“It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid….a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points.”
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ‘pleasured himself’ into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to see what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better….
Thank you for shopping at Tesco Continue reading
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day’s that he’d once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!” before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.”
The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is OK.”
“Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his pushbike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedalled all the way back to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed, “Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!”
To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember…it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.”
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!” Continue reading
Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset has given him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.
After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.
“What should I do?” asked Jake.
The psychiatrist said, “Take Melrose Avenue.” Continue reading
Not sure if we’ve had this one before?
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied. “Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you, You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, Genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“We’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly. “Really?” he says. “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?” Continue reading
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around. She was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She pulled out her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband, in a calm voice, said, “Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into oh, about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you someday?”
Her anger quickly vanished.
“Yes,” she said, starting to cry a little. “I remember that jewelry store.”
“Well,” he said, “I’m in the bar right next to that store.” Continue reading
A Christmas Theme to all our Amusements this week. Have a wonderfully happy time.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
“It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.” Continue reading
The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor in the church that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.”
The entire congregation was completely silent.
“Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me in front of your brethren and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now please stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. The preacher was visibly shaken when he saw her rise.
“You, Miss Johnson?!”
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding,” she began, clearly not wanting to make her confession in front of everyone. “I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told one of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!” Continue reading