Pretty sure we’ve had it before . . .
Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his annual physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’” Continue reading
Thanks to our friend Julie for pointing out that I had used two of the three “amusements” I originally posted this week fairly recently, i.e., last week! She very tactfully asked if this was due to early onset Alzheimers and whether it was she or me who was suffering. Thankfully, I was able to reassure her that it was certainly me and that her faculties are clearly functioning properly.
So, here is the one I didn’t use last week and a couple of other handy replacements.
This is timely for our American readers:
The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
It goes like this:
- How much did you make last year?
- How much do you have left?
- Send B.
Although I think we’ve had this before, it is timely as we are currently embroiled in our General Election campaign where the predominant feature seems to be one where there is no truth or substance to anything the politicians say.
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.” Continue reading
This came from Dad.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
“Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?” Continue reading
A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.” Continue reading
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife “What’s up with all the bills?”
To which his wife replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.” Continue reading
This came from Dad.
Up in Yorkshire
A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, ‘That’s about average in Yorkshire … like I said, my boy’s a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.’ Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of ‘WOW!’ One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, ‘Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?’
The proud father answers, ‘Twenty pounds.’ The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. ‘What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!’
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith’s Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
‘Had him circumcised…’ Continue reading
This came from my friend Julie:
Ralph, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so he bought a pair and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Ethel, age 75, looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ralph stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
He asked Ethel a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Ethel looked up and said in her best deadpan look, “Ralph, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ralph yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, ETHEL?”
“Nope. Not a clue, Ralph,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”
Without missing a beat Ethel replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Ralph. Shoulda bought a hat. Continue reading
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.
His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”
The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?”
At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get yelled at if I go home anyway!” Continue reading
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits…. I can splash it on my eyes!” Continue reading