Greg's Occasional News & Views

Amusements

1 May 2011 – Amusements

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

As the evening draws to a close, Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.

Continue reading

24 April 2011 – Amusements

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

The principal is making me write this, even though he laughed again. Continue reading

17 April 2011 – Amusements

In honour of today’s anniversary couple, the following are all vaguely related to marriage and/or married life.

Not long after their wedding, the newlyweds awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with the husband, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.

“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,” said the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”

“Great! What are we having for breakfast?” he asked.

“Toast and juice,” replied the bride.
Continue reading

10 April – Amusements

From Sarah:

Paraprosdokian Wit and Wisdom

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anti-climax.

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  4. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  11. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  12. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
  13. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “Doctor”.
  14. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  17. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  18. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  19. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  21. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
  22. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  23. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  24. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  25. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  26. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  27. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  28. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  29. Some people are like Slinkys … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  30. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
  31. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
  32. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  33. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  34. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  35. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  36. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  37. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  38. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  39. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  40. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  41. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  42. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3 April 2011 – Amusements

Daddy, how was I born? (A contribution from Ms Playchute)

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy , how was I born ?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

“You’ve got Male!” Continue reading

27 March 2011 – Amusements

Doug decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Doug’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Doug said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Doug got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.” Continue reading

20 March 2011 – Amusements

A young man entered the local Tasty Freeze and asked, “What kind of ice cream do you have?”

“Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the girl replied, wheezing as she spoke and patting her chest and seemingly unable to say much more.

“Do you have asthma or laryngitis?” the young man asked sympathetically.

“Nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.” Continue reading

13 March 2011 – Amusements

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through

Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvellous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,

Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Continue reading

6 March 2011 – Amusements

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into  his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He  looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch  the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who  put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sleepy heads downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time. I HAVEN’T MADE THE F**KING PORRIDGE YET!” Continue reading

27 February 2011 – Amusements

I believe we’ve had some, if not all, of these before but I repeat them here as a public service. (Hey, it’s what the Big Society is all about!) And, there’s no question – they work.

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the women in your house about closing the toilet seat by peeing in the sink instead.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: every few days, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins without the high cost of drugs. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives — you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Continue reading

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Last updated: 09/30/2019