Oops! I forgot to say last time that there would be no News this weekend. We are off to the south coast to visit with our friends Sue and Stuart and to participate in the celebrations associated with Stuart’s 60th birthday. Apologies for that and I’ll bring you a full account next weekend.
I’m afraid you’ll have to be satisfied with (a) a photo of a poppy at Edgecote and (b) a couple of feeble “amusements.”
Another of those pesky technical support issues:
Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!”
The engaged woman giggled and said, “That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?'”
We’ve had it before but who remembers these things?
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme three flat tires and a couple of headlights.”
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!”
The cook says, “He wants three pancakes and two eggs sunny-side up.”
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!”
The waiter tells him, “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your car parts you might as well gas up!”
It’s the year 2070, and NASA finally manages to get a manned mission to Jupiter. While surveying the moons, they find evidence of life on the moon Europa and land to make First Contact.
Sure enough, there’s a race of advanced beings there, and the two groups exchange huge amounts of information. Inevitably, the questions turn to sex.
“How do you reproduce?” one of the NASA astronauts asks.
The Europans are pleased to demonstrate. Two of them get together and touch tentacles in a special way. A moment later a sac appears on one of them, grows to the size of a basketball, and breaks open. A tiny tentacled baby pops out and falls to the ground, jumps up, and starts running around looking for its first meal.
“Amazing!” exclaim the Earthlings.
“So will you give us a demonstration of how you do it?” ask the aliens.
The Earthlings can hardly refuse, so the commander asks for volunteers and a couple steps forward and demonstrates Earthly delights. The Europans are rapt with interested attention.
When the couple finishes, however, the aliens are confused. “Where is the child?” they ask. “Or was the mating a failure?”
“Well,” says the commander, “we don’t find out right away. If it was successful, it takes a month or two to find out, and the baby doesn’t show up for nine months after conception.”
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message for ya.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.” Continue reading “29 May 2011 – Amusements”
Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster.
“There is most certainly a difference,” said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune, but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying all the members of Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster, but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune.” Continue reading “22 May 2011 – Amusements”
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she called her husband at work. “I just dreamt that you went grocery shopping, cooked the dinner for tonight and also washed all the dishes. What do you think it means?”