The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, “Is this your wife, sir?”
Shocked, I answered, “Yes it is.”
They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”
I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality and she’s good with the kids.” Continue reading
In California’s Sonoma Valley where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like “well-aged Caumeneur.”
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
“Could you please spell that?” she asked.
“You know” said the woman impatiently “C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e.” Continue reading
Oops! I forgot to say last time that there would be no News this weekend. We are off to the south coast to visit with our friends Sue and Stuart and to participate in the celebrations associated with Stuart’s 60th birthday. Apologies for that and I’ll bring you a full account next weekend.
I’m afraid you’ll have to be satisfied with (a) a photo of a poppy at Edgecote and (b) a couple of feeble “amusements.”
Another of those pesky technical support issues:
Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!”
The engaged woman giggled and said, “That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?'”
We’ve had it before but who remembers these things?
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme three flat tires and a couple of headlights.”
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!”
The cook says, “He wants three pancakes and two eggs sunny-side up.”
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!”
The waiter tells him, “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your car parts you might as well gas up!”
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.”
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Where’s the kind word?”
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.” Continue reading
It just hit me:
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For all this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up for him.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me:
My dog is a politician! Continue reading
It’s the year 2070, and NASA finally manages to get a manned mission to Jupiter. While surveying the moons, they find evidence of life on the moon Europa and land to make First Contact.
Sure enough, there’s a race of advanced beings there, and the two groups exchange huge amounts of information. Inevitably, the questions turn to sex.
“How do you reproduce?” one of the NASA astronauts asks.
The Europans are pleased to demonstrate. Two of them get together and touch tentacles in a special way. A moment later a sac appears on one of them, grows to the size of a basketball, and breaks open. A tiny tentacled baby pops out and falls to the ground, jumps up, and starts running around looking for its first meal.
“Amazing!” exclaim the Earthlings.
“So will you give us a demonstration of how you do it?” ask the aliens.
The Earthlings can hardly refuse, so the commander asks for volunteers and a couple steps forward and demonstrates Earthly delights. The Europans are rapt with interested attention.
When the couple finishes, however, the aliens are confused. “Where is the child?” they ask. “Or was the mating a failure?”
“Well,” says the commander, “we don’t find out right away. If it was successful, it takes a month or two to find out, and the baby doesn’t show up for nine months after conception.”
“Nine months?” asks the incredulous alien leader. “Then why were they in such a hurry at the end?” Continue reading
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message for ya.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.” Continue reading
Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster.
“There is most certainly a difference,” said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune, but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying all the members of Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster, but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune.” Continue reading
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she called her husband at work. “I just dreamt that you went grocery shopping, cooked the dinner for tonight and also washed all the dishes. What do you think it means?”
“You will know tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. When she opened it. She found a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.” Continue reading
A cop sees an older gentleman staggering slightly down the street. It’s 1:00 in the morning. He pulls over for a chat.
“Good evening, sir,” the cop says. “Is everything OK?”
“Why yes, officer, thank you,” the man says, speaking a bit thickly.
“Where are you headed?” the cop asks.
“I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,” the man says with certainty.
“Sir, it’s 1:00 in the morning,” the cop says. “Who would be giving a lecture on that topic at this hour?”
The man nods, looks the cop in the eye, and says, “My wife.”