Greg's Occasional News & Views

Amusements

5 July 2015 – Amusements 

Penny’s sister J sent this along.

A mother-in-law stops by unexpectedly the recently married couple’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she replied.

“Needs ironing,” he says” “What’s for dinner?” Continue reading

28 June 2015 – Amusements

This came from my friend Julie:

The teacher was telling an infant class of children about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, “Are you sure about the stork, Miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up ‘cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough……..” Continue reading

21 June 2015 – Amusements

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub; we then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?” Continue reading

14 June 2015 – Amusements

I think we’ve had this before and I’ve run across it in a number of guises.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.

At the White House, the President spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,”This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?” Continue reading

7 June 2015 – Amusements

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

Unsure what to do, she quietly sneaks out of the house, drives around until her normal quitting time, and returns home without saying anything.

The next day at work, the gals get together.

“That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it again sometime.”

“I met a great guy!” says the redhead.

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.” Continue reading

31 May 2015 – Amusements

Dad sent this along the other day. As someone who can barely tolerate cats, I think this is an excellent strategy.

How to wash a cat.

  1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
  1. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  1. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.
  1. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
  1. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash and rinse’.
  1. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
  1. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids.
  1. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
  1. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely yours,

The Dog! Continue reading

24 May 2015 – Amusements

“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.

“Okay then,” said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s part, she composed herself as well as she could.

“I am so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied. Continue reading

17 May 2015 – Amusements

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then made passionate love to her, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, pulling her T-shirt back down around her waist.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.” Continue reading

10 May 2015 – Amusements

This came from Dad.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where he could find the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out. Continue reading

3 May 2015 – Amusements

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other, when her phone rings.

She picks up.  The man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice,”Hi, I’m so glad you called. . . Really?  that’s wonderful.  I’m so happy for you. . . .  That sounds terrific. . . . Great! . . .  Thanks. . . .  Okay.  Bye bye”.

She hangs up and the man asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh”, she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he is having on his golf trip with you. Continue reading

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