Greg's Occasional News & Views

20 September 2015 – Amusements

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go — I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

Your friend,

Monica


A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We’ll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asks.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike, but why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box”.


The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday an out of town gentleman was in the pew right behind her and noticed what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said: “Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Why yes, that would be nice”, the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said the fine example of southern womanhood. “What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh my goodness no,” said the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did !”

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.

He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: “Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Oh yes, that would be exciting,” she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.

He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin’ lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: “What the hell have I done?”

He shook her awake and pleaded, “I hope I haven’t compromised your virtue. Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

The lady said: “The same thing I always tell them, ‘You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'”


 

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