13 September 2015 – Amusements

An old lady walked into a newspaper office.

She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper.

The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, “Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M.”

The employee looked at the form and said, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece.

The woman took another form and wrote, “Earl died. ’57 Chevy truck for sale.”

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The “what a moron!” look on my buddy’s face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn’t — he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he’d lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital — had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he’d been sitting in the middle of the street licking his testicles and a car hit him.

One day a snake, a turtle and a centipede are having a party.

After two cases of beer are gone, they needed more beer. So they discuss who’s going to go get the beer.

The turtle says, “I will go, you both just wait here.”

Two hours later, the turtle wasn’t back yet, so the centipede says, “I will go.”

So they open the door and see the turtle is still walking out of the door.

Because turtles walk too slowly the centipede says, “You both wait for me to come back, I’ve got a lot of legs, so I can walk fast.”

The snake and the turtle wait for another two hours.

Finally the snake says, “What is taking the centipede so long?

So they open the door and check, the centipede is still at the front of the door still trying to put on all his shoes.

Finally the snake says, “Let me go, I can walk fast, and I don’t have feet to put shoes on.”

So the snake leaves.

After three hours, the snake wasn’t back yet.

Both of them went to the store to find the snake.

And they saw snake standing there.

The snake says, “Don’t give me those dirty looks, it only took me 5 minutes to get to the store, but I am still figuring out how to bring the beer back.”