Greg's Occasional News & Views

9 August 2015 – Amusements

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he’s been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies “I’m sorry to tell you, you’ve got the disease known as Yellow 24.”

“What’s that?” the man asks.

“It means your internal organs have started turning yellow – you’ve got 24 hours to live”.

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says “Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you’ll never be able to.” The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he’s won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn’t such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he’s won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says “I don’t believe it, mate. You’ve won three competitions and a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!”

The man says “Well, no, I’m not. I’ve got Yellow 24.”

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he’s holding and starts clapping. “I don’t believe it; he’s won the raffle as well!”


From Dad, Random Thoughts as we Age

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes” .

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people” ?

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is Salad !!!


Three little ducks waddle into a bar.

“Good afternoon!” the bartender says to the first duck. “What’s your name?”

“Huey,” the duck says.

“How’s your day been, Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.

“That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “And what’s your name?”

“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.

“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” he asked.

“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “My name is Puddles.”


 

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