Greg's Occasional News & Views

12 July 2015 – Amusements

This came from Dad

Sometimes pithies are right on target; other times they are simply truly weird.

ZEN SARCASM

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.
  3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a car payment.
  8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
  14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  23. All Grandpas, heed this WARNING! Do not lose your grand kids in the mall. A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!” The cop asked, “What’s he like?” The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied… “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.


This also from Dad

30 Years Difference

1972: Long hair

2002: Longing for hair

1972: KEG

2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock

2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it’s cool

2002: Moving to California because it’s warm

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems

2002: Roughage

1972: Hoping for a BMW

2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead

2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint

2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones

2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Screw the system

2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco

2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Passing the drivers’ test

2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever

2002: Depends


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew, who were walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people:

“What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

One of the astronauts said they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

“Watch out for these guys! They’ve come to steal your land.”


 

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