28 June 2015 – Amusements

This came from my friend Julie:

The teacher was telling an infant class of children about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, “Are you sure about the stork, Miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up ‘cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough……..”

I can’t remember who sent this along – it might have been my Father but, if not, I apologise for the lack of accreditation.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. (Penny is very familiar with this phenomena, especially if the machine is a computer).

Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.

Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

“Adam, you can start by kissing Eve.”

“Lord, what is a kiss?” asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam went over to Eve and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, “Lord! That was great! What’s next?”

“Adam, I now want you to caress Eve.”

“Lord, what is caress?'” asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam went to Eve and caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, “Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What’s next?”

“Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve.”

“Lord, what is ‘make love?'” asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam went back to Eve.

A few minutes later, Adam returned and asked, “Lord, what is a headache?”