Greg's Occasional News & Views

21 June 2015 – Amusements

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub; we then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”


A man arrives in Heaven appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks over his paperwork. The guy looks OK, but he wants to be sure. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man replies. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers threatening a young woman. I warned them to leave her alone.”

“That’s impressive,” the gatekeeper says. “Then what happened?”

“Well, they wouldn’t back off, so I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now back off, biker boy, or you’ll answer to me!”

“That’s really brave,” St. Peter said, clearly impressed. “But I don’t have it in your paperwork. When did this happen?”

“Let’s see,” the man says, looking at his watch. “About a minute and a half ago.”


An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”

Doctor: “But this is $500…”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”


 

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