Greg's Occasional News & Views

31 May 2015 – Amusements

Dad sent this along the other day. As someone who can barely tolerate cats, I think this is an excellent strategy.

How to wash a cat.

  1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
  1. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  1. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.
  1. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
  1. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash and rinse’.
  1. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
  1. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids.
  1. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
  1. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely yours,

The Dog!


One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse — a very long shot — won the race.

Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I’ve lost all my savings!

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with Protestants — you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!


A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it read, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”


 

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