Greg's Occasional News & Views

17 May 2015 – Amusements

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then made passionate love to her, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, pulling her T-shirt back down around her waist.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”


There was a guy named John, who was the most positive guy in the whole world. Every time anyone said something negative, John would always say, “It could have been worse.”

One day, John’s co-workers all got together and decided to come up with a scenario so bad that John couldn’t possibly say that it could have been worse.

When John arrived at work that day, one of his coworkers asked him, “John did you hear what happened to Sam last night?”

John replied, “No, what?”

The co-worker replied, “When Sam got home last night, he found his wife in bed with another man. Sam shot the man, his wife, and then turned the gun on himself!”

John replied, “Well, it could have been worse.”

In disgust the co-worker replied, “Now how could that have been any worse?”

John replied, “Because if it had been the night before, he would have shot me!”


It’s been a while since we had this one . . .

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”


 

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