Greg's Occasional News & Views

10 May 2015 – Amusements

This came from Dad.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where he could find the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.


This may be too risqué for my mother.

Sometime during the life of nearly every man there will come a time when the discussion comes around to “guts” and “balls”. We’ve all heard at one time or another that some guy has “balls” or “guts”. While some may view those terms as one-in-the-same, there is a very clear medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”. But do you really know the difference?

In an effort to keep you informed should the subject surface in the future, here are the definitions:

GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the GUTS to ask, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying off somewhere?”

BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the BALLS to say, “You’re next, Chubby!”


The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “Then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?”

”Yes, your honor.”

“And why was that?”

“Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge checked his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice.”


 

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