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Daily Archives: 10 May 2015

10 May 2015

What a thoroughly depressing and disappointing week this turned out to be! Not only has the weather been pretty much shite but on Friday morning we woke up not to the hung parliament all the pollsters had been predicting but rather, to the Tory bastards having achieved the unthinkable – they secured an overall majority. What Cameron couldn’t do last time when pushing against an open door, he managed this time, largely because the Liberal Democrat vote simply vanished. Five years ago we all thought the Lib Dems would temper the Tory extremism. How wrong we were – they seemingly abandoned their principles and social conscience at the whiff of power. Their reward for keeping the Tories in check? The loss of 49 seats leaving them with a rump of 8. So much for trying to become Tory-lite. Continue reading

10 May 2015 – Amusements

This came from Dad.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where he could find the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out. Continue reading

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