3 May 2015 – Amusements

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other, when her phone rings.

She picks up.  The man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice,”Hi, I’m so glad you called. . . Really?  that’s wonderful.  I’m so happy for you. . . .  That sounds terrific. . . . Great! . . .  Thanks. . . .  Okay.  Bye bye”.

She hangs up and the man asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh”, she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he is having on his golf trip with you.

I’ve occasionally wondered about the “half-life” of a joke circulating the internet. Dad sent this one through at the end of 2014; it previously appeared in the Befouled Weakly News (Amusements Department) on 6 January 2013. So, about two years would seem to be the answer. Unless, like me, you don’t remember much of anything in which case the half-life of a joke is probably about two minutes.

Wise Italian Grandfather:

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,

“Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated …. 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead? ”

“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.”

“Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times a up!'”

After joining the Army, because he was previously a used car salesman, Billy-Bob’s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the G.I. insurance.

Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Billy-Bob was getting a 99% signup for the top G.I. insurance policy. This was odd, since it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for the extra coverage.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Billy-Bob about his selling techniques but would sit in the back of the room and observe his sales pitch.

Billy-Bob stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, “If’n y’all have normal G.I. insurance and go to Afghanistan and get killed, the government pays your Mama or your wife $6,000, right?”

The men murmured in agreement. “Now,” he continued, “if’n y’all take out the supplemental G.I. insurance, which costs you only $30.00 a month, the government has to pay your Mama or your wife $200,000. See?”

The men nodded.

“OK,” Billy-Bob concluded: “which bunch you think they gonna send to the most dangerous areas in Afghanistan first?”