Greg's Occasional News & Views

Monthly Archives: May 2015

31 May 2015

It’s been another great week, although I have to concede that the weather has not played its part! We did have some lovely weather on Thursday but the rest of the week has been a bit of a damp squib – one of these days summer is going to arrive (perhaps). Continue reading

31 May 2015 – Amusements

Dad sent this along the other day. As someone who can barely tolerate cats, I think this is an excellent strategy.

How to wash a cat.

  1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
  1. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
  1. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.
  1. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
  1. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash and rinse’.
  1. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
  1. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids.
  1. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off.
  1. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely yours,

The Dog! Continue reading

24 May 2015

Wow! What a week of weather! Bright, sunny skies and reasonably pleasant temperatures interspersed with torrential downpours of rain, sleet and hail. The sound of the hail smattering against the Velux roof window was positively deafening. Continue reading

24 May 2015 – Amusements

“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.

“Okay then,” said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s part, she composed herself as well as she could.

“I am so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied. Continue reading

17 May 2015

Just when I thought we were turning the corner, the weather reminded us that it can still bite us in the bum. Wednesday was one of those gorgeous “spring-like” days when the sun shone and the birds chirped; Thursday was cold, wet, windy, grey and miserable – so cold that we fired up the wood burner. In the middle of May! Continue reading

17 May 2015 – Amusements

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then made passionate love to her, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, pulling her T-shirt back down around her waist.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.” Continue reading

10 May 2015

What a thoroughly depressing and disappointing week this turned out to be! Not only has the weather been pretty much shite but on Friday morning we woke up not to the hung parliament all the pollsters had been predicting but rather, to the Tory bastards having achieved the unthinkable – they secured an overall majority. What Cameron couldn’t do last time when pushing against an open door, he managed this time, largely because the Liberal Democrat vote simply vanished. Five years ago we all thought the Lib Dems would temper the Tory extremism. How wrong we were – they seemingly abandoned their principles and social conscience at the whiff of power. Their reward for keeping the Tories in check? The loss of 49 seats leaving them with a rump of 8. So much for trying to become Tory-lite. Continue reading

10 May 2015 – Amusements

This came from Dad.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where he could find the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out. Continue reading

3 May 2015

Hello, and welcome to the May Day bank holiday weekend! We’ve had a decidedly mixed week – we had some stunning, sunny weather at the beginning of the week although it certainly has not been what one might consider to be “warm.” Indeed, there were smatterings of snow in County Durham which is, of course, considerably further north than here. Continue reading

3 May 2015 – Amusements

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other, when her phone rings.

She picks up.  The man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice,”Hi, I’m so glad you called. . . Really?  that’s wonderful.  I’m so happy for you. . . .  That sounds terrific. . . . Great! . . .  Thanks. . . .  Okay.  Bye bye”.

She hangs up and the man asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh”, she replies, “that was my husband telling me about the great time he is having on his golf trip with you. Continue reading

May 2015
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Last updated: 03/26/2020