19 April 2015 – Amusements

Thanks to our friend Julie for pointing out that I had used two of the three “amusements” I originally posted this week fairly recently, i.e., last week! She very tactfully asked if this was due to early onset Alzheimers and whether it was she or me who was suffering. Thankfully, I was able to reassure her that it was certainly me and that her faculties are clearly functioning properly.

So, here is the one I didn’t use last week and a couple of other handy replacements.

This is timely for our American readers:

The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.

It goes like this:

  1. How much did you make last year?
  2. How much do you have left?
  3. Send B.

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it!”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are: you’re 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds!”

The mother is past surprised — she’s shocked. “How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks, now getting suspicious. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex!”

This from my friend Julie – it seems especially appropriate as we contemplate our upcoming election.

Madeline was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young ‘pullets’ and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Madeline’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Madeline’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize”: they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.