Greg's Occasional News & Views

12 April 2015 – Amusements

Although I think we’ve had this before, it is timely as we are currently embroiled in our General Election campaign where the predominant feature seems to be one where there is no truth or substance to anything the politicians say.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.”


This came from Dad.

So You Think You Know Everything

  • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
  • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  • A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
  • A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
  • A  “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
  • A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
  • A snail can sleep for three years.
  • Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
  • All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
  • Almonds are a member of the peach family.
  • An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
  • Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2  to 6 years of age.
  • Butterflies taste with their feet.
  • Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
  • “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
  • February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
  • In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
  • If the population of China walked past you, in single file,  the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
  • If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
  • It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
  • Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
  • Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
  • On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an  American flag.
  • Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
  • Peanuts are one of the  ingredients of dynamite.
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  • “Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and  “lollipop” with your right.
  • The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
  • The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel  that  it burns.
  • The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  • The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every  letter of the alphabet.
  • The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze  completely solid.
  • The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to  left (palindromes).
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  • There are more chickens than people in the world.
  • There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous,  stupendous, and hazardous
  • There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in  order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
  • There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
  • Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
  • TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
  • Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
  • Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
  • Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it  will digest itself.

…..   Now you know  everything …..


We’ve had this before . . .

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, “To what do you attribute your good health?”

The old timer said, “I’m a golfer and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.”

The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”

The old timer said, “Who said my father’s dead?”

The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?”

The old timer said, “He’s 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That’s why he’s still alive, he’s a golfer.”

The doctor said, “Well, that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?”

The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead?”

The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! How old is he?”

The old timer said, “He’s 118 years old.”

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, “I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”

The old timer said, “No…Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he got married.”

The doctor said in amazement, “Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”

The old timer shot back, “Who said he wanted to?”


 

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