A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
A woman phoned her neighbor and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you, because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!”
I’m pretty sure we’ve had this before . . .
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
Dad, wanting to be an open, liberal, matter-of-fact father, replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, looking on the shelf more closely to see if there are any other options. He sees it: “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….”