Greg's Occasional News & Views

15 March 2015 – Amusements

This came from Dad.

Up in Yorkshire

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, ‘That’s about average in Yorkshire … like I said, my boy’s a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.’  Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of ‘WOW!’ One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, ‘Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?’

The proud father answers, ‘Twenty pounds.’ The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. ‘What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!’

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith’s Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

‘Had him circumcised…’


An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death as well.

At the triple funeral, thoughtfully paid for by the construction company, the Irishman’s wife was weeping.

“If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!” she said.

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife.

The blonde’s wife said, “Don’t look at me! He always made his own lunch.”


“Hello?”

“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, OK then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“OK Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it, Daddy!”

“And what happened, honey?” he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too! He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

“Daddy?”

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy finally says, “Swimming pool? Is this 867-5309?”


 

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