This came from my friend Julie:
Ralph, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so he bought a pair and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Ethel, age 75, looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ralph stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
He asked Ethel a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Ethel looked up and said in her best deadpan look, “Ralph, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ralph yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, ETHEL?”
“Nope. Not a clue, Ralph,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”
Without missing a beat Ethel replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Ralph. Shoulda bought a hat.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
An old man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as the old man slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, “Property? He’s talking about his paper route!”