Greg's Occasional News & Views

22 February 2015 – Amusements

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits…. I can splash it on my eyes!”


The minister realized his Church was getting into serious financial trouble. However, while checking the Church storeroom, he discovered dozens of cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the Church.

Peter, Paul and Louis all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louis, who was a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment — poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?”

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected for the Church.”

“Fine job, Peter!” the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.” Turning to Paul he said, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles for the Church, and here is the $280 I collected.”

The minister responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul! You are truly a professional salesman and the Church is also indebted to you.” Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louis and said, “And Louis, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?”

Louis silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

“What is this!?” the minister exclaimed. “Louis, there’s $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the Church, door to door, in just one week?”

Louis just nodded.

“That s impossible!” Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could!”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louis.”

Louis shrugged. “I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louis, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied,” W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks or wo-wo-would yo-you J-j-just l-like m-m-me T-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read It t-to y-y-you?”


This has been doing the rounds on Facebook and other social media recently:

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tesco.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.


 

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