1 February 2015 – Amusements

A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

We’ve had this before but I still chuckle . . .

A gorgeous woman visited a world-renowned psychic. In a dark and unnaturally cold room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered some grave news:

“There’s no easy way to say this, my dear so I’ll just tell you what I see: your husband is a powerful man, but prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death later this year.”

Visibly shaken, the customer stared at the woman’s wrinkled, wise-looking face, then at the flickering candle on the table, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

“I simply have to know one thing,” she finally says. The fortune teller met her gaze. The woman steadied her voice, and finally got the words out: “Will I be acquitted?”

These came from our friend Erik Benson, all allegedly comments made by Phyllis Diller.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. (Why didn’t I think of this yesterday!)

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle –  keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.