Greg's Occasional News & Views

Monthly Archives: February 2015

22 February 2015

Good morning to you all. It’s been an “ok” sort of week, I suppose. We had a couple of positively glorious mornings early in the week – bright blue skies, clear but still decidedly on the “fresh” side – but mostly it’s been cold (relatively speaking), overcast with the occasional smattering of rain. At least the snowdrops are out in force and the daffodils, although just beginning to think about putting their head above the surface, surely won’t be too much longer. Continue reading

22 February 2015 – Amusements

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits…. I can splash it on my eyes!” Continue reading

15 February 2015

Good morning to you all and hope you all had a splendid and rewarding Valentine’s Day, if you take any notice of such things. I have to confess to being a little cheesed off with all the media hype and general expectations on such occasions but fortunately my valentine knows she is the girl of my dreams rendering excessive displays of affection and the purchase of chocolates and/or flowers utterly unnecessary (at least, I hope that’s the case!). Continue reading

15 February 2015 – Amusements

In the great days of the British Empire , a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. “Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..”

Here the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.” Continue reading

8 February 2015

Oooh, it’s been cold! Not the bone-numbing cold those of you in the frozen northeast have to endure but still plenty cold enough for us! We had a smattering of snow on Monday night/Tuesday morning and a few more flurries at various points during the week. Never enough to settle to any significant extent nor to cause any transport disruption but the cold and deep frosts have at least ensured that the mud is rock-hard and Molly and I can return from our various perambulations more or less mud-free. Continue reading

8 February 2015 – Amusements

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied the floating survivors of a sunken ship.

“Follow me, son,” the Dad shark said to the Son shark. They swam to the mass of people.

“First,” the Dad shark instructs, “we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our dorsal fin showing.”

“Like this, Dad?” the younger shark asks.

“Well done, Son! Next we swim around them a few more times with all of our dorsal fin showing.”

“OK,” the boy says, really getting into it.

“And only now do we eat everybody.”

And they did, eating all the terrified humans.

When they were both fully sated and gorged, the Son shark asked Dad shark, “Gee, Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all right away? Why did we have to swim around and around them in circles first?”

Well, Son,” the wise Dad shark replied, “because they taste a whole lot better without all that crap inside!” Continue reading

1 February 2015

We were mightily relieved to see that our friends & family in the great frozen Northeast managed, more or less, to escape the fury of Snowmaggedon 2015. We too had our own snowmaggedon this past week – the forecasters were suggesting that the snow on Wednesday night/Thursday morning would bring the end of civilisation as we know it. The forecast was accurate in the sense that we did have some snow; it was inaccurate in the sense that the end of the world was, fortunately, postponed. Continue reading

1 February 2015 – Amusements

A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!” Continue reading

February 2015
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