Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset has given him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.
After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.
“What should I do?” asked Jake.
The psychiatrist said, “Take Melrose Avenue.”
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around.
Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?” Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”
Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, “Madam, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna shit yourself when you hear the price.”
We’ve had it before but it’s still cute.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin!”
“Not a problem,” replied the doc. “Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“Oh, no, no, no, Doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”