Monthly Archives: January 2015
Whew! What a busy, busy week we’ve had! Freezing temperatures early in the week followed by a light dusting of snow on Tuesday evening. And then more mud. And then more freezing temperatures. And then a bit more mud followed by some more freezing – you get the picture. Continue reading
This from my friend Julie in Australia . . .
The Tesco Doctor
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I’d better see a doctor!’
“Listen mate, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it.”
“It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid….a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points.”
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and ‘pleasured himself’ into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to see what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better….
Thank you for shopping at Tesco Continue reading
Good morning – hope everyone is waking to a splendidly splendid morning! (Or, for those of you ahead of our time zone, that you’ve had a wonderfully wonderful day). We’ve had a cold week but not quite cold enough – the temperature has hovered just above freezing so the ground is not frozen rock hard and the gallons of precipitation we’ve had have ensured that the ground is wonderfully soggy and muddy. As I’ve said before, if it has to be cold we would much rather have freezing temperatures so that the mud turns solid and we can simply skate over the surface on our daily walks. Regrettably, ‘tis not so and mud is the predominant feature. Continue reading
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day’s that he’d once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!” before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.”
The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is OK.”
“Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his pushbike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedalled all the way back to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed, “Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!”
To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember…it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.”
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!”
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!” Continue reading
We had a lovely day on Tuesday with the ever-delightful Miss Annabelle. We took her to her first-ever Pantomime at Chipping Norton Theatre which was great fun. For those of you who may not be familiar with the tradition, pantomime is a type of musical comedy stage production, designed for family entertainment generally performed during the Christmas and New Year period. Modern pantomime includes songs, slapstick comedy and dancing, employs gender-crossing actors, and combines topical humour with a story loosely based on a well-known fairy tale. It is a participatory form of theatre, in which the audience is expected to sing along with certain parts of the music and shout out phrases to the performers. [Wikipedia] Continue reading
Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset has given him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.
After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.
“What should I do?” asked Jake.
The psychiatrist said, “Take Melrose Avenue.” Continue reading
Happy New Year to you all! We welcomed the New Year in our usual fashion – by snoring soundly through the celebrations. We were in bed just after midnight in Moscow and sound asleep by about half past Vienna. Continue reading
Not sure if we’ve had this one before?
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied. “Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you, You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, Genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“We’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly. “Really?” he says. “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?” Continue reading