14 December 2014 – Amusements

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor in the church that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.”

The entire congregation was completely silent.

“Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me in front of your brethren and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now please stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. The preacher was visibly shaken when he saw her rise.

“You, Miss Johnson?!”

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding,” she began, clearly not wanting to make her confession in front of everyone. “I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told one of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!”

Strangers On A Train

Three engineers and three scientists were traveling by train to a conference. The scientists went to the ticket window and bought three one-way tickets. The engineers bought only one. The scientists remarked that there were three engineers but only one ticket. The engineers said to watch.

Right before the train left the three engineers crammed into one rest room. When the conductor came through to collect tickets he checked the rest room and, seeing it occupied, said “Ticket please.” One of the engineers cracked open the door and handed out the ticket, which the conductor validated. After a few minutes the engineers returned to their seats. The scientists were amazed, and said they’d try it on the way back.

On the way back after the conference, the engineers and scientists met at the ticket window again. The scientists said “we know what to do” and bought only one ticket. But the engineers didn’t buy any! Once again the scientists were perplexed. The engineers said “wait and see.”

As the train left the station the scientists got up and crammed themselves into a rest room. The engineers did the same. After a few minutes, before the conductor appeared, one of the engineers came out of their wash room and knocked on the door where the scientists were and said “Ticket please!”

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, “Ya know, Mahtha, I’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane.” And every year, Martha would say “I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So one year Stumpy says, “By Jeebers, Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, and if I don’t go this time I may nevah go.” Martha replies, “Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs … and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”

So the pilot overhears then and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won’t charge you. But just ONE WORD and it’s ten dollars.”

They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word… so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn’t.”

And Stumpy replies “Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out … but ten dollahs is ten dollahs.”