16 November 2014 – Amusements

This reminds me of a story of someone who tried to take out a classified newspaper ad advertising, “Wife’s Ass for sale Cheap!”

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, “Preacher’s Ass shows”

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, “Preacher’s Ass out in Front” The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The newspaper printed this headline, “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass”. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.

The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, “Nun has the Best Ass in Town”

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.

The paper states, “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”

They buried the Bishop the next day.

Three old men were sitting together in a retirement home: Dave, Hy, and Randy. Most of the time they’d try to one-up each other about their youthful exploits, but this time they were discussing how each of them would like to die.

Dave started it off, saying “I would like to die in a race car going two-hundred-and-fifty miles an hour!”

Not to be outdone, Hy, a retired Air Force officer, said, “Me? I’d like to die in a jet fighter going Mach 1!”

Hy and Dave then looked at Randy, seeing if the old coot could outdo those grand death wishes.

“Me?” Randy finally said, “I’d like to be shot!”

“Shot?!” said the other two, nearly in unison. “But why?!”

“…by a jealous husband, with cause,” Randy continued.

A variation on one we’ve had a few times before:

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he decided he couldn’t tell his prim and proper wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice. The first time he fell off, and the second time he got so sore he could hardly walk.”