Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks, “What?”
“Sex.” he replies.
Mildred exclaims, “Why you old toot. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know,” Frank says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.”
“Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank’s thingie.
Then one night Frank didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank’s little Pal.
Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?”
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s.”
We’ve had it before but it’s still splendid.
A tramp comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the tramp asks him, “Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had a good meal in several days.”
The owner says, “I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I’ve never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal.”
So the tramp goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door.
The owner asks, “Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in.”
The tramp says, “Thank you very much, sir. But there’s something that I think you should know. It’s not a Porsche you got there. It’s a BMW.”
From Penny’s sister J:
Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share the costs of office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist, so they put up a sign reading:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors”
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read:
“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids”
This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
“Catatonics and High Colonics” – No go.
Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives” thumbs down again.
Then came “Minds and Behinds” – still no good.
Another attempt “Lost Souls and Butt Holes” was unacceptable again!
So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts” – not a chance, no way.
“Freaks and Cheeks” – still not good.
“Loons and Moons” – forget it.
Almost at their wits’ end, the docs finally came up with:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends”
Everyone loved it.