A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband’s home early!”
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “It’s raining out there!”
She said, “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!”
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”
He answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”
The next runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”
The nude man answered breathlessly, “Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
A third runner asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
Without missing a beat he replied, “Only when it’s raining.”
Don’t know whether this is true or not – the account I saw on-line claimed it was true.
Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread. “I like butter on my bread,” he said. “But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do.”
“Jack,” Burns said, “don’t be ridiculous. You’re a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife’s help, whether or not to butter your own bread.”
“You’re right,” Benny said. “I’ll just have the butter, that’s all.”
When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, “He’s paying.”
“What?” Benny said. “Why should I have to pay the whole bill?”
“Because if you don’t,” Burns said, “I’ll tell Mary about the butter.”
A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu. After the stopover a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister.
After the plane was airborne, to continue on it’s journey, drink orders were taken. The Flight Attendant asked the Marine if he wanted a drink? The soldier asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The ole Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”