Pretty sure we’ve had this before:
Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we are going live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.” One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, “Don’t forget to use wooden spoons.”
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. “Why wooden spoons?” I asked.
“Because,” she replied, “if I have to sit here listening to twenty three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I’ll go nuts.”
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: ‘Dinnae drink tha waater! Et’s foo ae coo’s shite an pish!’
The golfer replies: ‘My Good fellow, I’m from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?’
The keeper replies: ‘I said, use two hands – you’ll spill less that way!