25 May 2014 – Amusements

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the cocktail waitress walked into the bar.

“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere! Thank God I took that first-aid course!”

“Did you splint his broken leg?” the bartender asked.

“No….” the girl said.

“Did you wrap his head in gauze?” he asked.

“No….” the girl said.

“Did you dress his wounds?” he asked, starting to really wonder.

“No….” the girl said.

“Well, what did you do that you learned in your first-aid class?” he finally asked.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant to celebrate the man’s birthday, and order the house specialty, Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Did you see that!?” she asks her husband.

He hadn’t noticed anything odd, so she asks him to look in the pot.

Just as he reaches for it, again the lid rises, and now he also sees two little eyes looking around before the lid again slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “What did you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”

“Ah! So sorry,” says the waiter. “I bring you Peeking Duck”

I have run across the following before and had always assumed it was just a joke. It came through my mailbox again a few weeks ago complete with a link to Snopes which verifies it as true. The link, if you are interested, is at the bottom.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m a FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You’re a FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is a FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is a FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so.