4 May 2014 – Amusements

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend. “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills and the bull serviced all my cows,” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbor’s cows. He’s a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

We had this from our friend Erik Benson in France:

An allegedly true story as related by an English man who was stopped and asked to give a breathaliser test. The Englishman lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart.

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking. With a drunkenly slurred speech the Englishman replies, “Why yes, officer. This morning I was at my (hic). . . daughter’s wedding, and as I don’t like church much I went to the café opposite and had several beers.”

“’Then, during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of very nice wine; (hic)… a Corbières, a Minervois and (hic)…a Faugères.”

“Then to finish off during the celebrations …. and (hic) during the evening … a couple of friends and I downed two bottles of Johnny Walker’s Black Label Scotch whiskey.”

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him, “Do you understand I’m a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test?”

With an inebriated grin, the Englishman replies, “Yes. Do you understand that I’m English, as is my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?”

A concerned patron approached the manager of a diner and asked if he knew what to do if someone was choking.

The manager replied, “Yes, change the special.”