27 April 2014 – Amusements

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favourite….

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

A couple from the circus go to an adoption agency where officials are doubtful about their accommodation. They produce photographs of their 15-metre-long caravan in which the back half is a magnificently equipped nursery.

But what about education for a child whose family is permanently on the move? “We have employed an Oxford don who will teach the child all the main subjects, plus Mandarin Chinese and IT skills.”

But, they persist, what about health? “Our full-time nanny is also an expert in paediatric welfare and diet.”

The agency is happy and ask the couple what age of child they were looking for.

“It doesn’t really matter,” they say, “so long as he fits into the cannon.”

A ventriloquist finds there’s no market for his act any more, so he sets up as a spiritualist. A woman asks how much it would cost to contact her late husband.

“It would be £20 for you to speak to him, £40 for him to speak to you, and £60 for you to have a conversation while I drink a glass of water.”