20 April 2014 – Amusements

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. It was the first day of class, and the teacher told them now that they were in grade school, the rule is, “No baby talk!”

“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she told them.

So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.

“We went to visit my Nana,” he said.

“No,” the teacher replied, “you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use ‘Big People’ words!”

She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.

“We took a ride on a choo-choo!” she replied.

“No,” she said. “You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.”

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

“Winnie the Shit!”

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bullfight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called “The Matador”.

As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. “That is the Matador Special,” replies the waiter. “Spaghetti and Testicles. We get them after the bullfight. It is exquisite!”

“That’s what I’ll have!”, says the businessman.

“I’m very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day. There is a long waiting list, but you may place your name on the list and when it is your turn, you will be served the dish.”

It was the last day of his trip, but he decided to put his name on the list. He was scheduled for several months in the future. He returned home and anxiously awaited the date. On his special day, he returned to Mexico and entered the restaurant. When the waiter came to the table, he said, “I’m here for the Matador Special.”

“Very well, senor!” responded the waiter. Soon afterwards the waiter brought out his dish, but the meat balls were disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.

“What’s with this?!” the now angry man shouts.

“I’m very sorry, senor” said the waiter, “but, you see, the bull, he does not always lose.”

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, “You are wrong. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”