Sarah had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.
A few days later, a neighbour came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbour added, “All of us were so glad that the fire on your stove your husband had when cooking fried eggs while you were gone was confined to the kitchen.”
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags.
He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
Vacationing in Ocean City, Maryland, my boyfriend and I decided to get a recommendation for dinner from a local.
“Where can we go for a good lobster dinner?” my boyfriend asked the hotel bartender.
The bartender replied, “Maine.”
This came from my brother Steph – I thought it was perhaps a bit risqué for my mother but since he sent it along I’ll use it anyway. Mom, it’s Steph’s fault!
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.