The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples’.
I know we’ve had this before and you can spot the punch line a mile away but . . .
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. “Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease brought on by stress,” he informed her. “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he’s in a good mood. For lunch and dinner make him nutritious meals. There should be no dessert in the house. No chocolate. No fighting. Don’t burden him with chores or discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, be sure to satisfy his every whim even if this means doing things you wouldn’t normally do. If you can do this for the next year or so, your husband should regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. She sighed sadly and replied, “You’re going to die.”
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN… FROM IRELAND (from our friend Julie in Australia)
How to get to Heaven from Ireland: An [allegedly] true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’
‘NO!’ the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, the answer was ‘NO!’
‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, they all answered ‘NO!’
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?
A little boy at the back shouted out:
‘YOU GOTTA BE FECK’N DEAD.’
And, a special bonus amusement today – this came from Dad: