23 March 2014 – Amusements

A mother decided to try a new recipe for corn-bread muffins using fresh corn. After tasting one, her seven-year-old son made no comment. “Honey,” she asked, “do you notice anything different about my muffins?”

“Yeah, Mom,” he replied. “They’re not burned.”

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Damn, do you have good eyesight!”

Vladamir Putin, the Russian President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Putin!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin’ to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Putin replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Putin paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 600,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

“Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Putin asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Putin sighs, amused; “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 15,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 750,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

“Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1500 bombers and 2000 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 1,000,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

“Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Putin. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Putin. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 1,000,000 Russian prisoners.”