9 March 2014 – Amusements

A man was sitting on a lonely beach. Tragically, through a childhood accident, he had lost both both of his arms and both of his legs. During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each felt very sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said: “Have you ever had a hug?”

The man looked up and saw the woman was quite pretty. Sensing an opportunity he said, “No.” So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said: “Have you ever had a kiss?”

The man looked up and saw this woman was even prettier. “No,” he said with anticipation, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said: “Have you ever been screwed?”

The man looked up and saw this one was drop-dead gorgeous. With anticipation welling up, and swallowing hard so he could talk, the fellow croaked out, “No.”

“Well, you will be in a few minutes,” she said, walking by. “The tide’s coming in.”

When a new neighbor moved in across the street, I couldn’t help but notice. She’s gorgeous! She’s young, she’s a single mother, she’s petite, and she has the most beautiful blonde hair you can imagine.

I noticed when she got home from work this evening she was looking particularly hot.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door, and I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!”

I did my best to keep my cool. “Really,” I said.

“Yes,” she answered. “So… are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free. I have no plans at all!”

“Good!” she said. “In that case, could you babysit my kids?”

There’s a little local restaurant here that I went to the other day and ordered a tuna fish sandwich on white bread. “I’m sorry, sir,” the waitress said, “but we’re all out of white bread. Can we put that on wheat for you?”

Sure, what the heck.

You know how you get when you just crave something? I was in a tuna mood all that week, I guess, because I was back at the restaurant the next day, again ordering the same tuna sandwich. Got the same waitress as the day before. I told her, “On white, please.”

“Gosh, I’m sorry, sir, can we put that on wheat for you? We’re out of white today.”

Hmm. Sure. Go ahead.

The craving didn’t subside. For the third day in a row, I was back at the local cafe. This time, I thought I’d save myself and the very same waitress some grief.  “A tuna fish sandwich, please, on wheat bread.”

The waitress looked up from her pad, “Aren’t you the guy who usually orders it on white?”