16 February 2014 – Amusements

I know we’ve had this before (22 January 2012, apparently, and that wasn’t the first time) but I still love it.

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, “What will it be?”

The man replied, “A burger and a coke.”

“And you?”

“I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies.

They finish their meal and ask for the bill.

“That will be $4.50,” the waitress says.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount. They do this every day until Friday.

“The usual?” the waitress asks.

“No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”

“Me too.” says the ostrich.

They finish and ask for the bill.

“That will be $10.95”

The man reaches in and pulls out the exact amount again just every other day that week.

The waitress was dumb-founded. “How is it that you always are able to pull out the exact amount fo money each time?”

“Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic one day and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.

” Wow!” said the waitress. “What did you wish for?”

“I asked that whenever I needed to pay for something, the exact amount of money would appear in my pocket.”

“What a great wish! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?”

“Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.”

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says…

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

My buddy and I had just finished dinner at the steakhouse. I knew he wanted to gnaw on the bone, but it would have been gauche at this upscale restaurant, so he called the waitress. “Excuse me,” he said,”would you please wrap this bone up for my dog?”  He’s never owned a dog in his life, but the white lie seemed a tactful solution to his dilemma.

A few minutes later, the waitress returned to our table. “Here’s your bone, sir,” she said, handing over a large package. “And while I was in the kitchen, I grabbed a few more for him, out of the garbage bucket.”