Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t,” he replied.
A variation on one we’ve had before . . .
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea. “Why don’t you send her flowers and on the card, invite her to your place for a home cooked meal”?
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. “The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.
“Why? Didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone! I’m lost and need directions!”