An elderly rabbi wants to try pork before he dies. But terrified that one of his flock might see him, he drives 50 miles to a posh restaurant. They offer him a whole suckling piglet, and bring it out on a silver tray with garnish and an apple in its mouth.
Just as he is about to tuck in, he is appalled to see Goldberg, the president of his congregation. But he recovers. “Hey, Goldberg, how about this restaurant? I order a baked apple, and this is how they serve it!”
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?”
Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”
“OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef…'”
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”
“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”
“You’re supposed to cook it?” he said.