A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!
“OK,” the nun says “Pull into the next alley.”
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun. “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
“That’s OK,” the nun says. “My name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”
I was preparing lunch for my granddaughter when the phone rang.
“If you can answer one easy trivia question,” a young man said, “you’ll win ten free dance lessons!”
Before I could tell him I was not interested he continued, “You’ll be a lucky winner if you can tell me what Alexander Graham Bell invented.”
“I don’t know,” I replied dryly, trying to discourage him.
“What are you holding in your hand right now?” he asked excitedly.
“A bologna sandwich.”
“Congratulations!” he yelled. “And for having such a great sense of humor…”
We’ve probably had this before, I think.
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He Got into the taxi, and said, “Perfect timing. You’re just Like Andrew”
Passenger: “Andrew Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that to Andrew Sullivan, every single time.”
Cabbie: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Passenger: “Not Andrew Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Cabbie: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Passenger: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Andrew Sullivan, he could do everything right.”
Cabbie: “Wow. Some guy then.”
Passenger: “Yep, and he really knew how to treat a woman. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andrew Sullivan.”
Cabbie: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Passenger: “Well, I never actually met Andrew. He died. I’m married to his damned widow.”