31 August 2013 – Amusements

I just read about a medical study which said that having frequent sex decreases your chances of getting a cold. The more sex you have, the less chance you’ll have a cold. Something to do with boosting your red blood cells.

This is exactly the kind of thing I love to read. The government should be subsidizing this kind of research.

So I printed the article out. I can’t wait until the next time my wife sniffles or sneezes. I’ll be able to say, “Honey, I’ve got just the thing for that.”

These are allegedly true accounts – some of which I think we’ve seen before.

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

–Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

–Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

–Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly. “Left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked: he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

–Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered “Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”

–Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his general practitioner, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

–Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

Have we had this before? It rings a bell . . .

I was in a department store when I heard on the public address system that the optical department was offering free ice cream. I headed down the escalator to take advantage of the offer, trying to decide on vanilla or chocolate. I was nearly drooling when I got to the optical section and said to the clerk, “I’m here for my ice cream.”

“Ice cream?” came the reply. “Sorry. What we have is a free eye screening.”