14 July 2013 – Amusements

The hotel guest called room service, “I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, under cooked bacon, weak coffee, watery orange juice, and cold, hard, unbuttered toast.”

The room service clerk asked, “Why in the world would you want a terrible breakfast like that?”

“I’m homesick.”

  1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
  2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
  7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the Lake.”
  8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”
  10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
  11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
  12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. She told me never to interrupt her.
  13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” And I said “Dust!”

We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, “I’ll have the 24.”

“Uh, Jim,” I whispered, “that’s the price, not the meal number.”

“Oh,” he said. “In that case give me the 12.”