A mother said to her grown-up daughter, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I eat too much fried food which makes me fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.”
The daughter shook her head in despair, “No, Mom,” she replied, “you have diabetes because no one runs in our family.”
A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat. After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, “My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me what room I am in?”
“Certainly, Sir.” said the clerk. “You’re in the lobby.”
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury’s…
Dear Mrs Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Malteasers.
August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the Staff passed out.